So far this blog has focused heavily on the newborn and young infant phase. I think partly the reason I have talked (and will keep talking) about this stage is because I believe that is when our babies are most vulnerable and dependent on us; and the obvious- where I have experience. I started this blog when my little one was five months old, but the reality of my situation is that my “baby” is growing! She is now a mobile, babbling, solid-food-eating nine month old. And with that, comes new (and sometimes rough) terrain.
Lately my daughter has been… hmm how do I say it? A TERROR! She has transformed from a sweet, delicate newborn into a screaming, whiny, bratty, needy, IMPOSSIBLE baby at times! I thought I had plenty of time until this phase began. What on earth was going on? Of course, mommy guilt crept in and I began to blame myself. I started to think she is behaving this way because I am going against the natural order of things by leaving her to work full time (and I’m still not entirely convinced this doesn’t hold some truth). I start to doubt myself as a mother; wonder if I have this whole thing backwards. I think to myself, maybe I am “spoiling” her? Wasn’t my entire philosophy that this is impossible at this age? Did I create a monster?! I started to question my bond with her- do I not know her anymore? I was stressed, guilty, and insecure. I thought I was supposed to enjoy and be in awe by everything she did at every moment, good and bad. But the truth was- I missed her! I missed my happy, loving, easy baby.
I may feel strongly about certain topics (i.e. co-sleeping, breastfeeding, baby-wearing, vaccination), but I am still a NEW mom navigating through this journey of parenthood and baby dom. I am still learning. I still doubt myself. I still seek out advice from other mothers. I know I’ve already made mistakes and will do some things differently the next time around. What can I say? I am human. I am flawed.
Maybe my husband is right. Maybe I am too hard on myself. But aren’t we all? Doesn’t this pressure come with the territory of having something, someone this important in my life?