Santa BABY…

I’m sorry it has taken me so long to post- but now you know why! Surprise!  Baby #2 is cooking!

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Holy whirlwind, where to begin.

(I want to warn you, I wrote most of this post in the first trimester when my spirits were at their lowest. I re-read it in the second trimester and edited it a bit but it still has a very “woe is me” undertone. I almost didn’t post this (it was almost embarrassing to read !) but decided that if I had/have these thoughts and feelings, someone else probably has too! Enjoy!)

Let’s see, I (we) are excited and extremely GRATEFUL to have another little bundle on the way and especially without the help of modern medicine this time around but also slightly apprehensive! Don’t get me wrong, we were actively “trying” and wanted another little one, but even though it was planned, I think a part of the magic about pregnancy is that all the planning in the world will not stop the news from knocking you off balance a little.

When we conceived our daughter, we were desperately waiting for a child  and wanted her so badly. We had been through 3 losses, a year of trying, and a slew of fertility tests when we finally had a pregnancy that stuck. I welcomed and wanted every bit of pregnancy. If someone would have said to me, “Tara, you just have to live in this 1 foot by 1 foot cell and eat nothing but oatmeal for 9 months and then you’ll have a baby” I would have happily obliged. And boy, did she change my life forever. But this time was completely different, I had just gained some freedom with nursing and the shackles of infancy had been unlocked now that my daughter was a toddler. It is kind of scary to think that I will enter the labor intensive “baby period” all over again. And although we always knew we wanted another baby, it just seemed so far off in the future for some reason. I did not feel that pressure to be pregnant right away like I did the first time. And instantly, things had changed. Things I didn’t foresee or think about when thinking of being pregnant again came into play. The morning sickness and lack of energy, but also the biggest one being the change in my nursing relationship.

(more…)

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The Storm

I, like any girl growing up in the millennium, was on birth control on and off since my teenage years. You name a birth control pill brand; I was probably on it at one point. Including the depot prevera shot, and the NuVa ring. Getting pregnant was probably my BIGGEST fear along as it was all of my girlfriends during our teen and college years. NOTHING was more terrifying. However, I still always had this tiny little fear in the back of my mind that I would not be able to have children. Maybe because of how strong my desire was to have children, the reality of there being problems was also frightfully in perspective.

We got married in August when I was 26 and a half and thought I was ahead of the fertility game. None of my friends were having babies, or even talking about having babies. But I hesitantly went off the pill to just “see what happens”. My Husband wasn’t yet thinking seriously about children, and I think this kind of scared him. So… where was this “28 day cycle” that every woman had? I think my first cycle was 46 days, and many negative pregnancy tests later. But still…I told myself, I was just on birth control for the last 10 years.. I had to give my body some time to adjust, right, right?! Four months later… long irregular cycle after long irregular cycle… and no positive pregnancy test. All of the fear throughout highschool and college amounted to nothing. What happened to “it only took one time” and “the pull and pray method never works!” pfft. I was discouraged and worried. I started to do some research about menstrual cycles, ovulation, luteal phases. I basically could have a degree in Gynecology at this point I researched so much. I started to chart my temperatures and bought ovulation tests.  Ovulation tests! How exciting! First month… negative after negative ovulation test- until Cycle day 18- positive! So we dutifully had sex. Still, I did not think I would get pregnant. I think every woman who is fresh in their TTC (Trying to Conceive) journey never REALLY believes it’s going to happen. Fourteen days later and I was waiting for my period. When my period was a day late I didn’t really give it to much thought and took a pregnancy test basically “for fun”.

(more…)

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Rain Brings Beautiful Rainbows

 I couldn’t help myself; I called my mom and told her. We actually told a lot of people. At this point, we were very blasé about the whole thing. We weren’t exactly announcing “Hey we’re pregnant!!” It was more of a “please say a prayer and cross your fingers” announcement. Our families and close friends knew the journey we were on. That’s another character flaw of mine – or maybe an advantage? I am inappropriately transparent. I don’t understand secrets or privacy. And talking about my losses was therapeutic for me. I was ashamed of it, yes. I felt inadequate, a failure as a woman like many women who go through infertility or pregnancy loss feel, but it went against my pure nature not to talk about it.

My first blood draw- HCG and progesterone look good! Second blood draw- progesterone has dropped to 8.3 (very low). Here started the paranoia. Like many things with Recurrent Miscarriage, progesterone isn’t that well understood yet. Different doctors have different opinions and it isn’t known if an unhealthy pregnancy causes low progesterone by signaling to your body “Hey something’s not right here” or if you lose healthy pregnancies because your progesterone levels aren’t sufficient. You need progesterone to maintain the lining of your womb and therefore the pregnancy. There is research to back up both cases and doctors have seen both scenarios many times.

(more…)

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My Grand Entrance Into Motherhood

I was a week passed my due date. I was anxious, nervous, and scared… and excited all at the same time. The days passed and I thought I would be pregnant forever.

I never really thought about labor, I think partly because of my history of pregnancy loss I never let myself think I would get that far, I was protecting myself I guess. But when I did think about it, I thought it couldn’t be that bad. But at the very end of my pregnancy… I started to get scared, really scared. I posted on forums asking veteran moms to share their labor experiences, I watched TLC’s: A Baby Story (Big mistake- terrified me), I googled things like “How bad does labor hurt”.

I would soon realize that nothing could have ever prepared me.

I was never an athletic person, the extent of my physical activity was a year or so when I became passionate about running (and I never ran more than 3 miles a day- but A for effort!) I’ve never really been seriously injured. Hell, I’d never even stayed overnight in a hospital before! I really did not know what real pain was.

(more…)

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

The Storm

The Storm

I, like any girl growing up in the millennium, was on birth control on and off since my teenage years. You name a birth control pill brand; I was probably on it at one point. Including the depot prevera shot, and the NuVa ring. Getting pregnant was probably my BIGGEST fear along as it was all of my girlfriends during our teen and college years. NOTHING was more terrifying. However, I still always had this tiny little fear in the back of my mind that I would not be able to have children. Maybe because of how strong my desire was to have children, the reality of there being problems was also frightfully in perspective.

We got married in August when I was 26 and a half and thought I was ahead of the fertility game. None of my friends were having babies, or even talking about having babies. But I hesitantly went off the pill to just “see what happens”. My Husband wasn’t yet thinking seriously about children, and I think this kind of scared him. So… where was this “28 day cycle” that every woman had? I think my first cycle was 46 days, and many negative pregnancy tests later. But still…I told myself, I was just on birth control for the last 10 years.. I had to give my body some time to adjust, right, right?! Four months later… long irregular cycle after long irregular cycle… and no positive pregnancy test. All of the fear throughout highschool and college amounted to nothing. What happened to “it only took one time” and “the pull and pray method never works!” pfft. I was discouraged and worried. I started to do some research about menstrual cycles, ovulation, luteal phases. I basically could have a degree in Gynecology at this point I researched so much. I started to chart my temperatures and bought ovulation tests.  Ovulation tests! How exciting! First month… negative after negative ovulation test- until Cycle day 18- positive! So we dutifully had sex. Still, I did not think I would get pregnant. I think every woman who is fresh in their TTC (Trying to Conceive) journey never REALLY believes it’s going to happen. Fourteen days later and I was waiting for my period. When my period was a day late I didn’t really give it to much thought and took a pregnancy test basically “for fun”.

(more…)

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Rain Brings Beautiful Rainbows

Rain Brings Beautiful Rainbows

 I couldn’t help myself; I called my mom and told her. We actually told a lot of people. At this point, we were very blasé about the whole thing. We weren’t exactly announcing “Hey we’re pregnant!!” It was more of a “please say a prayer and cross your fingers” announcement. Our families and close friends knew the journey we were on. That’s another character flaw of mine – or maybe an advantage? I am inappropriately transparent. I don’t understand secrets or privacy. And talking about my losses was therapeutic for me. I was ashamed of it, yes. I felt inadequate, a failure as a woman like many women who go through infertility or pregnancy loss feel, but it went against my pure nature not to talk about it.

My first blood draw- HCG and progesterone look good! Second blood draw- progesterone has dropped to 8.3 (very low). Here started the paranoia. Like many things with Recurrent Miscarriage, progesterone isn’t that well understood yet. Different doctors have different opinions and it isn’t known if an unhealthy pregnancy causes low progesterone by signaling to your body “Hey something’s not right here” or if you lose healthy pregnancies because your progesterone levels aren’t sufficient. You need progesterone to maintain the lining of your womb and therefore the pregnancy. There is research to back up both cases and doctors have seen both scenarios many times.

(more…)

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

My Grand Entrance Into Motherhood

My Grand Entrance Into Motherhood

I was a week passed my due date. I was anxious, nervous, and scared… and excited all at the same time. The days passed and I thought I would be pregnant forever.

I never really thought about labor, I think partly because of my history of pregnancy loss I never let myself think I would get that far, I was protecting myself I guess. But when I did think about it, I thought it couldn’t be that bad. But at the very end of my pregnancy… I started to get scared, really scared. I posted on forums asking veteran moms to share their labor experiences, I watched TLC’s: A Baby Story (Big mistake- terrified me), I googled things like “How bad does labor hurt”.

I would soon realize that nothing could have ever prepared me.

I was never an athletic person, the extent of my physical activity was a year or so when I became passionate about running (and I never ran more than 3 miles a day- but A for effort!) I’ve never really been seriously injured. Hell, I’d never even stayed overnight in a hospital before! I really did not know what real pain was.

(more…)

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail