Great Expectations

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It’s 11:00am. We have been up for four hours. The crockpot meal that should have started cooking two hours ago has half of the ingredients in it and the rest scattered across the counter. There are toys everywhere. Laundry in the dryer from yesterday that needs to be folded. I haven’t eaten yet for the second day in a row. We are all still in pajamas and the baby needs a bath but she won’t let me put her down long enough to get it ready. My toddler is crying to be held which I try to do one handed while the baby nurses in the other. I am crying. My toddler asks “Mommy Happy?” She will ask me later if I feel better. Because she has become so used to seeing me cry these last 7 weeks. I feel guilty for my toddler. I feel scared and overwhelmed. Scared by how I’m feeling. Because I know I don’t feel good. I thought if I just got the house cleaned I would feel better. But now I can’t get a handle on anything. Sometimes I look at the baby and feel angry. Sometimes crazy thoughts pop into my head. I’m afraid to walk through a doorway while holding her because I think I’ll hit her head on the door frame. Then I’ll think do I want to hit her head? Do I want to feed her a bottle of bleach? What?!?! Will I end up one of those mothers on the news? I picked up a knife today and felt scared. I couldn’t even tell you why. Then I get that pukey feeling in my stomach and the panic sets in. This is post partum depression. And it is a bitch.

(more…)

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A Mother’s Blessing

It didn’t occur to me to post about the Mother’s Blessing I had, but it was such a touching experience I couldn’t help but try to put it into words.

A little background on what a Mother’s Blessing or sometimes called a “Blessingway” is and how I came to have one.

(more…)

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The Road to Home Birth

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*I know that birth can be a controversial topic, as with any other controversial topic in parenting it comes down to your comfort level with the risks associated. I personally feel strongly about things like breastfeeding and natural birth and am not comfortable with the risks to the alternative; however, someone could talk to me about the importance of “extended rear-facing” until they are blue in the face and it will still not be THAT important to me. We are all different and will weigh risks differently and that’s OKAY, there is no judgement here. But I still feel it is important to share knowledge and perspective, you never know who may resonate with what you are saying.

Sometime in my daughter’s first year I watched the documentary “TheBusiness of Being Born”. It was Ricki Lake’s passion project after a hospital experience with her first son that led her to a homebirth with her second.

This documentary is a must see for all pregnant women in my opinion. It opened up my eyes to so many things regarding how we give birth in America. But even before that, I knew intuitively that my hospital birth experience just wasn’t right. I just felt in my soul that what I experienced was not supposed to be how we bring babies into the world.

Since watching that documentary a year or so ago, I threw myself into absorbing everything I could about birth. And I was more and more convinced that it had to be different the next time around.

(more…)

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Reflections from a C-Section Mama

I am excited to share my first guest post! Nellie and I are oceans a part yet found ourselves anxiously pregnant at the same time after suffering multiple losses in need of support. Since the birth of our daughters, we stayed connected through our passion for breastfeeding, intuitive parenting, and helping other mothers. Below is an essay she wrote for a Birth Educator course she is taking that I thought was beautiful and enlightening. When I asked if I could share her story, she gracefully obliged. She continues to inspire me, support me, and keep me going on this journey! Enjoy – Tara

 

Long before I ever became pregnant, I knew I wanted to have a natural birth and throughout my pregnancy I was borderline obsessed with the idea.  I over-educated myself on the subject and felt very strongly against the over use of cesareans these days.  Knowing that Vietnam has a very high C-section rate, we chose a doctor based on his support for natural deliveries. 
My husband and I had some issues conceiving our daughter.  We started trying in 2012.  My cycles were long and irregular and it took a few months of acupuncture to get them sorted out.  I was so frustrated during the early months of trying because I felt that my body wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do and I was really just powerless over it.  I was conscious of my ovulation, diligently taking my temperature every morning.  Then the miscarriages began.  It seemed like every other month or so I would get a positive pregnancy test, only to get my period a few days later.  The pregnancies lasted 5 or 6 weeks, one making it to about 9 weeks before we found out that it wasn’t a viable pregnancy.  I was crushed each time I had another loss.  I felt like my whole being revolved around getting pregnant, every waking thought and action was towards my final goal of having a baby.  After each loss, I felt more determined then ever.  While my determination never waivered, it was one of the loneliest and depressing times of my life.  I felt like no one understood what I was going through, and everything that was said to me was insensitive.  I was open about our struggles after the third miscarriage as I felt that it was too hefty of a burden to keep to myself.  Upon opening up, I received much love and support but also a great deal of alarmingly uninformed and insensitive comments. 
  (more…)
facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

A Mother’s Blessing

A Mother’s Blessing

It didn’t occur to me to post about the Mother’s Blessing I had, but it was such a touching experience I couldn’t help but try to put it into words.

A little background on what a Mother’s Blessing or sometimes called a “Blessingway” is and how I came to have one.

(more…)

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

The Road to Home Birth

The Road to Home Birth

images (4)

*I know that birth can be a controversial topic, as with any other controversial topic in parenting it comes down to your comfort level with the risks associated. I personally feel strongly about things like breastfeeding and natural birth and am not comfortable with the risks to the alternative; however, someone could talk to me about the importance of “extended rear-facing” until they are blue in the face and it will still not be THAT important to me. We are all different and will weigh risks differently and that’s OKAY, there is no judgement here. But I still feel it is important to share knowledge and perspective, you never know who may resonate with what you are saying.

Sometime in my daughter’s first year I watched the documentary “TheBusiness of Being Born”. It was Ricki Lake’s passion project after a hospital experience with her first son that led her to a homebirth with her second.

This documentary is a must see for all pregnant women in my opinion. It opened up my eyes to so many things regarding how we give birth in America. But even before that, I knew intuitively that my hospital birth experience just wasn’t right. I just felt in my soul that what I experienced was not supposed to be how we bring babies into the world.

Since watching that documentary a year or so ago, I threw myself into absorbing everything I could about birth. And I was more and more convinced that it had to be different the next time around.

(more…)

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Reflections from a C-Section Mama

Reflections from a C-Section Mama

I am excited to share my first guest post! Nellie and I are oceans a part yet found ourselves anxiously pregnant at the same time after suffering multiple losses in need of support. Since the birth of our daughters, we stayed connected through our passion for breastfeeding, intuitive parenting, and helping other mothers. Below is an essay she wrote for a Birth Educator course she is taking that I thought was beautiful and enlightening. When I asked if I could share her story, she gracefully obliged. She continues to inspire me, support me, and keep me going on this journey! Enjoy – Tara

 

Long before I ever became pregnant, I knew I wanted to have a natural birth and throughout my pregnancy I was borderline obsessed with the idea.  I over-educated myself on the subject and felt very strongly against the over use of cesareans these days.  Knowing that Vietnam has a very high C-section rate, we chose a doctor based on his support for natural deliveries. 
My husband and I had some issues conceiving our daughter.  We started trying in 2012.  My cycles were long and irregular and it took a few months of acupuncture to get them sorted out.  I was so frustrated during the early months of trying because I felt that my body wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do and I was really just powerless over it.  I was conscious of my ovulation, diligently taking my temperature every morning.  Then the miscarriages began.  It seemed like every other month or so I would get a positive pregnancy test, only to get my period a few days later.  The pregnancies lasted 5 or 6 weeks, one making it to about 9 weeks before we found out that it wasn’t a viable pregnancy.  I was crushed each time I had another loss.  I felt like my whole being revolved around getting pregnant, every waking thought and action was towards my final goal of having a baby.  After each loss, I felt more determined then ever.  While my determination never waivered, it was one of the loneliest and depressing times of my life.  I felt like no one understood what I was going through, and everything that was said to me was insensitive.  I was open about our struggles after the third miscarriage as I felt that it was too hefty of a burden to keep to myself.  Upon opening up, I received much love and support but also a great deal of alarmingly uninformed and insensitive comments. 
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