Post Partum: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

IMG_1689

The feeling of dread washed over me as I descended down the stairs into the gleeful chatter. It was apparently morning but for me the days had no beginning or end in my newborn world. I had just showered and already my clothes were beginning to soak with sweat as the hormones exited my system. I stood at the kitchen sink finding dishes to wash to buy myself more time before I had to enter the living room and put on my happy “I’ve got everything under control, Yes, I’m so happy she’s finally here, too…” face. Panic starting to swell in my throat as I thought to myself…. Another day of diaper changes, I can’t do it, I don’t want to do it. Oh God, where did that thought come from? I thought I would be happy. I worked so hard for her, prayed for her on my knees asking God not to lose this one… how ungrateful am I? What happened to love at first sight? It’s obvious I don’t love my baby. That’s what it is. I. Don’t. Love. My. Baby. The panic starting to dizzy me with this revelation. Shame and fear muddled together. Another terrifying thought; How would I hide this from my family? Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mother-maybe that’s why I suffered all those losses- but what will I do now… I can never go back, I. am. stuck. As I fight back the tears, I enter the sunny room where I see a tiny, fragile, almost primordial creature in my mom’s arms whom I felt no real connection to…. I paste a smile on my face, “Hiiii, yes she does look just like her dad, can you believe it…..”

Sound familiar? I will remember that day vividly for the rest of my life. I even remember what I was wearing that day (a maternity dress although I was no longer pregnant- yeah, that nice round pregnancy belly turns into a saggy, empty womb of weirdness for a while). This was the second day home from the hospital, my baby was 4 days old. Those gleeful voices were the voices of friends and family who had come to see my new baby and rejoice in the celebration of new life. However, I was so far from celebration. I was just trying not to burst into hysterics in front of my mother in law and ruin the facade that I could totally handle this motherhood thing. I mean, I was sitting in a room full of mothers. They all had multiple children and had gone through this experience more times than I had, and seemed unphased by the fact that I just gave birth. I felt like I was the first one to ever go through this. I remember thinking to myself that I just must not be normal. That this is not what motherhood was supposed to feel like.

(more…)

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

About Me

 “I am so glad I became the mother I am today, rather than the mother I intended to be.” -Anonymous


I am a Breastfeeding, Bed-sharing, Babywearing, gentle parent to a rainbow princess and her sweet sidekick. A certified Breastfeeding Counselor, wife to a supportive and caring husband & father, and a science professional by trade turned Stay-At-Home-Mom living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I graduated with a Bachelors of Science in Biology and spent seven years in the vaccines industry. I enjoy a good book, a great meal, and days spent in the sunshine. 

My journey has been tumultuous – I’ve been through it all – Infertility, Recurrent miscarriages, Breastfeeding struggles, Hospital Birth, Home birth, Post Partum Depression- you name it. But through it all, I still thank God everyday for giving me the privilege to have these two miracles under my wing. I feel all of my experiences has given me a greater appreciation for all that comes with motherhood and has given me the insight and passion to help other mothers that find themselves scared and lost like we so often do. I have become fascinated and mesmerized by pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, mother-infant bonding and so much more. I feel the process of creating and sustaining life is the closest thing to a miracle we can experience here on earth. I find so much beauty in it all…I can only describe motherhood as hearing a song that moves you to tears for the first time but never tiring of it.

If I can inspire just one mother to follow her instincts and feel empowered and confident in herself, I will feel like a success. This is a place where I can channel some of my passion and hopefully help others in the process. I hope you enjoy reading! 

xox Tara

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

About Me

About Me

 “I am so glad I became the mother I am today, rather than the mother I intended to be.” -Anonymous


I am a Breastfeeding, Bed-sharing, Babywearing, gentle parent to a rainbow princess and her sweet sidekick. A certified Breastfeeding Counselor, wife to a supportive and caring husband & father, and a science professional by trade turned Stay-At-Home-Mom living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I graduated with a Bachelors of Science in Biology and spent seven years in the vaccines industry. I enjoy a good book, a great meal, and days spent in the sunshine. 

My journey has been tumultuous – I’ve been through it all – Infertility, Recurrent miscarriages, Breastfeeding struggles, Hospital Birth, Home birth, Post Partum Depression- you name it. But through it all, I still thank God everyday for giving me the privilege to have these two miracles under my wing. I feel all of my experiences has given me a greater appreciation for all that comes with motherhood and has given me the insight and passion to help other mothers that find themselves scared and lost like we so often do. I have become fascinated and mesmerized by pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, mother-infant bonding and so much more. I feel the process of creating and sustaining life is the closest thing to a miracle we can experience here on earth. I find so much beauty in it all…I can only describe motherhood as hearing a song that moves you to tears for the first time but never tiring of it.

If I can inspire just one mother to follow her instincts and feel empowered and confident in herself, I will feel like a success. This is a place where I can channel some of my passion and hopefully help others in the process. I hope you enjoy reading! 

xox Tara

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail